I get this question quiet a lot. Everyone wants to know how long this horrible pain is going to last. They want to know what they are in for and how long they will be in it. Most are very surprised to find that it literally takes YEARS to heal from a spouse’s infidelity. Some don’t even believe it until a year or so passes and then they come to me and tell me that they now believe me when I say that it takes 2-5 years and usually it’s closer to the 5-year mark. I don’t think recovery even begins until about 6-9 months out from D-Day. It takes that long just to come to grips with what has happened to your marriage.

But nothing is set in stone. Everyone has their own healing timeline so everyone goes through things at their own pace though most go through the same thing just at a different rate. A lot depends on your spouse and their willingness to put in the effort of your healing process. If you have an unremorseful spouse then it will take you much longer then someone who’s spouse is very remorseful and has empathy for you. So really, the timeline is up to what kind of marriage you have/had, and the people involved because everyone is different.

It also depends on how much work you put into your own healing. Are you working hard at healing your marriage? Are you seeking help for yourself by looking for support groups and counseling? The sooner you both get help, the shorter your recovery will be.

In Peggy Vaughn’s handbook, “Recovering from Affairs,” she describes the stages of recovery after an affair as follows:

• Shock
• Holding on
• Acknowledgment
• Adaptation and Change