If you are faced with surviving infidelity, then one thing I am sure you are struggling with is the subject of trust. As betrayed spouse’s, we now are extremely leery of anything our spouse’s say because we now know they are liars. We no longer trust what we hear them saying because all during their affair they did nothing but lie right to our faces. My husband had an affair that lasted for an entire year and for that whole year he lied right to my face. I remember how sincere he looked and how I believed what he was saying.

After I found out about his affair and I was struggling with surviving infidelity, I didn’t care how sincere he looked or sounded, I believed NOTHING that came out of his mouth because I knew he was VERY capable of lying right to my face. After someone breaks a promise a huge as being faithful, words become meaningless, and actions will mean absolutely everything! It really will come down to what your spouse does and not what they say. If you want to know if your spouse is truly sincere in wanting to save the marriage and is truly done with the other person then all you need to do is look at what they are doing and see if what they are doing matches with what they are saying. Your gut is going to tell you if what they are saying is NOT matching with what they are DOING.

The main key to surviving infidelity and rebuilding the trust in the marriage is to have proven behavior over a long period of time. The most important action that needs done first is to break all ties with the affair partner and I do mean ALL ties! No contact with the affair partner whatsoever! No physical contact, no emails, no texting, no phone calls, no instant messaging, etc. No contact means just that, no contact! I even believe that if they work together then the one that had the affair needs to find a new job. No one said there wasn’t consequences to ones actions.

Another way to help one in surviving infidelity and bring trust back is to be an open book. If you are the one that strayed, being an open book goes a long way to rebuilding that trust. Let the betrayed spouse have access to your cell phone, all of your email accounts and chat logs, bank statements, credit card statements, etc. Basically, you need to let them have access to everything. If you don’t you are telling them, with your actions, that you are still hiding things from them. You may feel this is invading your privacy but after an affair you really don’t have any right to privacy for a while.

Another key in surviving infidelity and bringing back the trust is to honestly and openly answer ALL of the betrayed spouse’s questions. If you withhold information because you feel you are “lessening the blow” all you are truly doing is destroying all hope of rebuilding any kind of trust. As you know, the truth ALWAYS comes out in the end and if you withheld any information it will be viewed as lying and the trust that was built will vanish in a flash. Just one lie is going to destroy all the trust you had gained back and you will have to start all over again.

Lastly in surviving infidelity, the spouse that had the affair needs to learn to be VERY patient while their betrayed spouse works through and heals from all of the devastation emotions. Many times, the one that had the affair will become very tired of just how long this process takes but if the betrayed spouse sees their spouse slacking off in their efforts of rebuilding the trust the betrayed spouse is going to starting doubting their spouse. This is probably the hardest part for the spouse that had the affair because this stage can literally last for YEARS and that can be very tiring but you must remember, you have to do this on your own because no one but you can rebuild the trust in your marriage.

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Filed under: Rebuilding Trust/Rebuilding the Marriage

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