Holding On

The attempt to maintain the old situation, the not letting go. This can take the form of denial of simply an unwillingness to deal with this significant change in your life. You may feel in limbo; unable to go back but unwilling to move forward.

Feelings: Anger, resentment, bitterness, need for revenge, roller coaster feelings, what feels like endless pain and hurt, depression, hopelessness, love, hate, frustration, unfairness,

They aren’t sure whether to stay or go. Pressure from others to leave. They are obsessive with their snooping, a need to know where the spouse is ALL the time. Who they talk to, who they call, what they talk about, where they go, what they are thinking. Will check all cell phone bills, credit card bills, bank statements, cell phone logs, email accounts, for months.

They need to know exactly what happened between the spouse and other person. Where they had sex, how many times, where they went, how long was the affair, what they talked about, what was said about them and their marriage, why it happened, etc.

May ask same questions over and over again, may want to talk about the affair a lot. They really need to process all this information.

There spouse isn’t who they thought they were, there marriage is a lie, so they wonder “who am I”?

They want to control their spouse, they have a hard time with understanding that they only person they can control is themselves.

The Wayward spouse should keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes. You can’t speed up your spouse’s healing process, and you shouldn’t ever negate its significance.