Is Confronting Mean?

A lot of people think that exposing the affair to all these people is mean. I will tell you that your spouse will become VERY ugly when they find out about all the people you have been telling. They are this way because, number one, they don’t want their fantasy to end and putting light on it makes it end very fast. Number two, they may be ashamed of what they have done and aren’t proud of the fact and are upset that their mistakes are known.

You cannot let this stop you. Do not just look at today! The anger will pass, you are striving for a bigger goal and that is saving your marriage at all costs! Treat this just like your spouse has an addiction and needs a major intervention to stop his/her destructive behavior. In no way are you being “mean” to your spouse, you are saving them and your family. This is where your love and commitment comes in, where you can face your spouse’s anger to save something as precious as your marriage and family.

Confronting the Other Person

You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It’s better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, “I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse’s name) forever.

Okay, so they will probably have a really good laugh over it or deny it all or say that they are going to sue the pants off you. Believe it or not the point of the letter isn’t to get them to end their affair with your spouse but to through a huge wrench into the affair and really rock the boat. You want to cause major conflict in their relationship. You don’t want their relationship to be all rosy and wonderful, like they think it is. Remember they are in a fantasy and none of it is real. The sooner your spouse wakes up to this the better. You are hoping that they know spend their time together talking about YOU and how horrible and psycho you are, and this is okay. It doesn’t matter what they are talking about as long as it’s unpleasant. Having them fight is better then having them have a romantic dinner together.

Your spouse may have also told the affair partner that they were divorced, separated or that there really is no love at home. Sending this letter will show you in a different light and the affair partner may start seeing that your spouse has been lying to them too.

Get Support

Find a support group so that you can find others in the same situation that you are in. It’s amazing at how much this helps because at times like these it’s so easy to feel very much alone. I would also try and find a marriage coach/counselor that deals with infidelity. They really understand all the in’s and out’s of an affair and can really help you. This is very important because your in so much pain that you can’t see beyond the right now and you need someone there to help you see the future and what moves to make so that you can save your marriage. They will help you not do things from an emotional stand point but a rational one.