What exactly is forgiveness and can you really forgive someone for such a devastating betrayal? Wikipedia says this about forgiveness: Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. So, what does it mean to actually forgive someone?

For one, it means that you won’t ever bring up what they have done to you in terms of being mean and to cause pain to them. That doesn’t mean you can never speak of it again but when you do it will be to find insight and enlightenment to move forward and not to throw barbs at the other person just to see them bleed.
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Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we won’t ever think about the infidelity again. But it does mean that we make the conscious effort to not to think about it in ways that are destructive to us anymore. So, these thoughts will most likely come back to haunt you and that is only natural but, you have you have to be in control, don’t like your thoughts be in control of you. Forgiveness is choosing not to dwell on these negative thoughts in a way that can become destructive to you and your relationship.

Forgiveness is our choice and is up to us to give it or withhold it. But if you withhold your forgiveness in order to hurt the other party, you might just find out that the only person you are hurting is yourself. You’ll find that forgiving is very freeing, it’s freeing you of the bitterness and hatred that you’ve been carrying around in your heart towards this other person and your able to enjoy life again.
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Is it really spying or are you just confirming that your spouse is staying faithful to the marriage? The benefit is that when your spouse is being truthful in all areas, these tools serve to rebuild the trust and strengthen the marriage.

I believe that it only turns into spying when you are planning on using the information to use against your spouse. If your spouse refuses to change their cheating ways and they are mean and abusive rather than becoming open, honest and accountable after repeatedly being caught lying, then you need to make a decision to either leave or stay and accept that that is the way it is. This can be an extremely painful decision but one that really needs to be made. You cannot let someone treat you this way, plain and simple it is abuse.
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Through the healing process we learn to trust ourselves. We won’t ever be the same and our marriage will never be the same again but don’t let that fool you. You and your marriage can still be happy. I read this in an email this week that you never have to blindly trust someone in order to love them. Love should never assume blind trust.

So, you want to “check up on” your spouse. Just be sure that your motive is to improve the marriage not bring down your spouse. You’re doing this to regain the trust towards your spouse. Also, when you find things out and you want your spouse to be honest with you, that you don’t bite their head off when you get the truth.
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Is your spouse caught up in an affair and they won’t quit? Are they on the fence and bouncing between you and the other person? Would you like them to stop seeing the other person for good?

You should look at infidelity as an addiction and treat it as such. An affair is just as destructive as an addiction and it harms everyone it touches. You can apply many of the strategies that addiction recovery programs have used successfully for years. Many spouse’s, when faced with their partners affair, make mistakes. Sometimes huge mistakes but this is normal and to be expected.
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Intervention

Just like you do with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, a good ole intervention! Where all their friends and family are there telling them that right NOW they have stop what they are doing and get help (marriage counseling or coaching). The family and friends also set firm boundaries with what they are willing to put up with now and in the future if this person wants to stay in their lives. This is a form of “Tough Love”.
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Stop Annoying Behaviors

Some things would be poor hygiene habits, too much time in doing things like TV, computer, talking on the phone, shopping, etc., talking about your spouse in poor light to others outside the marriage, losing control and going into rages, things like this. I’m sure you get the idea.
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Confronting Your Spouse

Things like this. You just state what you have against them. Then you tell them how you feel about it. “I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination. My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank). This will destroy our marriage if this continues on. You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.
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Who to Tell

Here is what you want to say. “My spouse is having an affair with (other person). I know this because of (tell of the evidence). I love (spouse’s name) and I want to save our marriage. Please help me by encouraging him/her to do the right thing by ending their affair and all contact with (other person’s name) and recommit to our marriage.
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You cannot let this stop you. Do not just look at today! The anger will pass, you are striving for a bigger goal and that is saving your marriage at all costs! Treat this just like your spouse has an addiction and needs a major intervention to stop his/her destructive behavior. In no way are you being “mean” to your spouse, you are saving them and your family. This is where your love and commitment comes in, where you can face your spouse’s anger to save something as precious as your marriage and family.
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