Question:

#1
I have been having an affair with a married man over the Internet. I never plan to actually meet him but we do talk on the phone. Is this wrong? Would you actually consider this having an affair? I believe it’s all innocent, but I do sometimes have feelings of guilt for talking to him.

#2
I would love your advice if I should go after this relationship I have online. We are both married but I am really starting to fall deeply in love with this other woman. We are both married but she talks so sweetly to me. I am thinking about meeting her, what should I do?

#3
I met this wonderful man online and he only lives minutes from me. We have been talking for quite a while now and just recently he told me that he loves me. He claims that he no longer loves his wife and says he only stays with her because of their son. I too am married, sometimes happily and sometimes not. We plan to meet next week and I am a little nervous because of the intense sexual attraction we have to each other. He says he doesn’t care whether we have sex or not because he respects me, unlike my husband. He sounds and acts like he truly does love me and I am confused at what to do. What do you think?

Online affairs are rapidly spreading and becoming more and more popular. I hear about them all the time and even saw an episode on Dr. Phil about affairs coming out of Facebook. These are VERY dangerous and should never even be played with.

Even if you never meet, online affairs still contain the same thinking patterns and emotions as physical affairs. Online affairs will have a sense of newness and excitement and they will have secrecy and deception.

Newness and Excitement:
*People show only the freest and freshest aspects of their personalities online.
*Interacting online often gives one an escape from their reality of their day-to-day living.
*Their exciting world online (fantasy) can make their real world seem boring and dreary.
*The massive amounts of people that are online create unlimited potential for newness.

Secrecy and Deception:
*The secrecy that is involved in online affairs is a huge part of the appeal and a part of their danger.
*The secrecy will increase the intensity of the emotions that are generated by each contact.
*By deceiving your spouse the online affair has become high-risk, no matter what.
*Recovering from being betrayed is extremely difficult, even if no sex is ever involved.

Here is what can happen in these kinds of situations:
You meet someone interesting Online. You present the best side of yourself as do they. You share all your hopes, dream, fears, fantasies etc. This intense sharing will then bring you closer and closer together. You start fantasizing about being more than just online friends. You become enamored with your new friend and want more and more interaction with them and less and less from your spouse. You start to feel like you’re falling in love. You want to meet this online “friend” in person. You believe that you are “soul-mates” and that you were both “meant for each other.” You are thinking about risking it all just to see this person. You either meet this person for sex or you never meet and turn into star-crossed lovers. Your online relationship eventually comes to an end and you find your life has changed in ways you never wanted.

You feel like there has been a big loss, but it’s not really the loss of this “friend” but of the fantasy that was never even real. You will find that any new connection is going to be exciting but it’s not really the “friend” that makes this excitement but the fantasy you make up in your mind.

It is never smart to become friends with anyone, in person or online, that is of the same sex. You are playing with fire and then seem surprised when you get burned. If you want to know if your “friendship” is wrong the first person to ask is your spouse. If they feel the “friendship” needs to end and is wrong then it is!

Anything that is purposely kept from a spouse like being involved in an online affair or about their online activities is going to cause a problem. Whenever someone wants to keep doing what they are doing they will rationalize their behavior and tell themselves that it’s all okay or that it is not really an affair.

If you are struggling with your spouse’s online affair or you feel they might be having one, please contact me.