Question:

“My husband has gone into complete no contact with the other woman. But, he has stopped all counseling and he claims that we can work this out ourselves. He also says that he will stay in the marriage because it’s the right thing to do. Yet, nothing has really changed in our marriage except me knowing about the affair. It seems like he cut all ties with her and life goes on as normal. Is he really sincere about wanting our marriage?”

Situations like this make me so sad! It’s both good news and yet it’s also bad news. It’s great that he has cut all ties with the other woman but there is a LOT more to healing from affairs than just this. I believe there are three things that MUST be done to heal from affairs and they are: 1) Severing all contact with the affair partner. 2) Answering ALL questions that the betrayed spouse has. 3) Sticking it out through the whole long and very hard process of recovery with ongoing honest communication.

So, he could be sincere in his intention to work it out, but I believe actions mean WAY more than intentions. So, it’s not really just a matter of being sincere; it’s really more a matter of doing the hard and necessary work it takes to truly heal from the affair.

Of course he would want to go about life as if nothing happened, this is the easy way out for him. He doesn’t want to face what he did or see the pain in his spouse’s eyes that he cause. He would rather shove it under a rug and go on with life because who really wants to face that kind of pain? But, by doing this what is he giving up? I believe he is giving up WAY more than he realizes! If he could see into the future and see the outcome of all the hard work, he would jump right in! But, most of the time, the wayward spouse doesn’t see past all the pain and just wants to run from it. So, what are we as betrayed spouse’s to do?

You’ll also find that “working it out” and “staying in the marriage” don’t come together. Some people stay in the marriage and also work it out while others stay in the marriage whether it’s because of duty, kids, money, etc. but don’t even try to work it out. Really doing the hard work gives you both the possibility of building a much stronger marriage than you had before and even a happier one! Not facing the hard work of healing, even if you stay married, will leave a feeling of emotional distance between you both.

So, what you need to ask yourself is, what are you willing to live with? What trade-offs are you willing to make for the kind of marriage you want? No matter what anyone chooses to do, life will go on but the quality of your life is determined by how much you both are willing to work at healing from the affair. So, if your spouse flatly refuses to discuss the affair or work on the marriage at all what are you going to do? Will you put up boundaries for what you will and will not accept? Are you willing to do the hard work of sticking to your boundaries? Do you want your marriage and spouse so badly that you are willing to sacrifice the quality of the marriage?