I found this on my computer. I wrote it in 2006 and thought I would share it with all of you.

For 2 years I have been searching for the answer to this question: How do I get rid of my hurt? I didn’t want to hear the answers time or antidepressants. Today, I think I finally get it.

How to get rid of my pain, or really anyone’s pain is to have the offender really listen to my hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive but to really hear and feel my hurt. I needed him to bring up the affair, and let me know it was on his mind too, so that I knew I wasn’t alone in my pain. The more he pays attention to my pain, the less I am likely to pay attention to it.

I know my husband probably wanted to run away from my pain because it caused him pain too. He might have thought that really, what good can come of me “always” talking about my pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, I have come to realize that him listening to my pain and hurt and really hearing me, makes me feel closer to him and the pain less intense.

I need him to NOT try and cheer me up but to really own the pain I’m in. To feel what I’m feeling and to verbally say, “I did this to you and I’m truly sorry.”

I need to be able to go to him as often as I need to with my pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” I want to and should be able to talk about the affair whenever I need to and have him willing be there for me with support and NOT anger.

Really, just listening will help me heal and feel closer to him. I’m so worried about NOT bringing it up anymore and trying to move past this, that I’m never going to get any better. All I’m doing is burying my hurt just to be triggered again.

The more we betrayed spouse’s talk about our hurt and pain to wayward spouse’s that are willing to put aside their defenses and justifications and are willing to own our pain and feel our anguish, the more we heal and the less we hurt. That is how to stop the hurt. I finally see that now. That is the secret I have been searching for, for 2 years.

So, if your wayward spouse asks if there is anything they can do to help you, tell them YES there is!

You can tell them that listening is one of the most powerful healing gestures you can make. This will go right through our sense of combativeness and isolation and encourages us to reconnect with them.

My coach told me that I needed time and antidepressants for my pain. Also, my husband meeting my needs will make the pain less. He lied, because I did all those things and my husband met my needs but I was and am still in pain. I was made to believe that bringing up the affair wasn’t doing any good and to leave it alone. I have hurt and anger that I had no idea what to do with. I can see now why I’m still on Antidepressants. My husband should have been told to draw my hurt, anger, and pain out EVERY DAY, and to own it all! Then, once I was hurting much less and we were connected again, THEN address the issues in the marriage BESIDES the affair.

Just thought I’d share with you all what I found out today :)