Question:

“My husband had an affair with a woman he works with. He has decided to stay with me and the children but he sees her every day at work and has to call her and email her about work related things. How do I get him to see that this MUST stop if we are ever going to move forward? I am in so much pain, please help!”

I’m going to tell you that your marriage can’t even start to heal while your husband is in contact with the other woman. I will say that getting him to cut all ties with the other woman can be very difficult. You must do this at the right time and in the right way. First, you need to get as much perspective as possible and then give your husband an ultimatum in the form of a letter.

I know that my husband thought they could be “just friends” but I put my foot down and even insisted that we move. We moved over 1,000 miles away for over 2 years and this help tremendously. I had a list of musts that he had to do or else he could move out. If I didn’t set these boundaries, I believe we would be divorced today.

Here are some steps to take:

First, you need to gain some knowledge on affairs. I would start by reading the book “Love Must Be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson. This is the best book I have read that deals with getting a spouse away from the affair partner. Before making any moves, you need to really understand what it is you’re doing. If you threaten your spouse or get mad at them, then you are just being seen as someone making empty threats and it will not get you the results you want and it will only enhance the disrespect and negative feelings between you both.

Next, you need to choose your timing very wisely. The best time, if at all possible, is to wait until you have your spouse’s heart back before you give the ultimatum. You want them to make the decision to stay in the marriage and then maybe a couple weeks later you deliver your ultimatum. The truth of it all, those that have been unfaithful develop genuine feelings for their affair partners and even though this is very painful to hear, you need to understand that it’s hard for them to break these ties.

Now, I give a time limit of doing your best and being your best and then after this time period you move into the next phase of giving the ultimatum. Your spouse should NEVER know of the time limit, this is for you only. Say you gave a time limit of 3 months and after the 3 months your spouse is STILL in contact with the affair partner, then you move into the next step.

Now, when you move into the ultimatum step, you should really do it in letter form. This way you aren’t screaming at them and they aren’t trying to manipulate you and make you feel “crazy”. You do NOT want to come across as crazy, weak or out of control. Your spouse isn’t going to remember anything you say anyway and most likely neither will you. So, get done in writing EXACTLY what you intend to do.

Now, this letter has absolutely nothing to do with being angry and upset. It does, however, have everything to do with having self-esteem, confidence, setting strong boundaries to your marriage and taking a strong stand for yourself and your marriage.

In NO WAY is it okay for your spouse to be “just friends” with someone they had an affair with!!

What you do TODAY is very critical to your future. You can’t just be upset, angry and tell him that you just can’t take it anymore. You really need to know what you’re doing. I can help you if you like. We can set up a 1 hour coaching session with me so we can discuss all the details, write the letter and make sure you get this done the right way and at the right time, I truly believe your future depends on it!

When it comes to getting your spouse to have complete no contact with the other person, getting mad at them is NOT going to work. What will work is being rational, calm and drawing your boundary lines and keeping them firm.