Infidelity Recovery Center

No Contact After an Affair

Marsha Rozalski — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:30:19 +0000

No Contact After An Affair

I have been getting a lot of emails about having a wayward spouse still be in contact with the other person. This can be devastating to a betrayed spouse. Can you save a marriage that still has ongoing contact with the other person? This situation is usually where they work together so unless they quit their jobs, contact with the other person is unavoidable.

There really isn’t any easy answer to this question. Most of the time, the betrayed spouse has to do some deep thinking and soul searching for their right answer. You have to really evaluate your situation and make a decision that is best for you. No one but you can really tell you what to do.

We all know the three things needed to heal a marriage after infidelity.

1. No contact with the other person
2. Getting honest answers to your questions
3. Talking through the entire thing

It is really up to the betrayed spouse in how flexible they are willing to be. These three things may not happen all at once and it’s up to the betrayed spouse in how long they are willing to wait for each to happen.

You must also understand that for the betrayed spouse to get what they want they may just have to do things they really don’t want to do. This could be any number of things even separating until you have your desired outcome.

Since the betrayed spouse is the one that has to deal with any consequences, then it is entirely up to them in what decisions they make in their desire for their wayward spouse to have no contact with the other person.

When there has been infidelity in the marriage, then for that marriage to heal it needs to be covered. Just like we cover serious wounds so they can heal, so must we cover our marriages. Ongoing contact with the other person is like reopening the wound for both spouses’. For the betrayed spouse will have a hard time trusting the wayward spouse and the wayward spouse is often tempted to reach out to the to the other person for comfort because there is so much pain in the marriage.

Ongoing contact with the other person can cause confusion in the wayward spouse about their love for their spouse and can cause the healing of the marriage to slow down or even go backwards.

If you are struggling with your spouse having ongoing contact with the other person you should seek out help. This is not something that you should be going through alone. It’s hard to think rationally when your emotions are all over the map. If you would like someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me.

How Could They Do This To Me?

Marsha Rozalski — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:24:50 +0000

How Could They Do This To Me?

The problem with thinking that they did this “to you” is that it implies intent which usually is not there. Usually, someone doesn’t wake up and think to themselves, “How can I really hurt my spouse today? I know, I’ll have an affair.” This rarely ever happens, instead they most likely are engaging in behaviors that ignite affairs though they seem so innocent at first. Usually they cross a boundary that they couldn’t see until it was too late. They usually feel they are “helping” the other person and that they are “just friends” and that they know how to handle it. Before they know it, they are caught up in an affair and sometimes are usually shocked to find themselves there.

My husband told me that he couldn’t believe he was caught up in an affair. He swore he would never do that and that he wasn’t that type of person and there he was in an affair wondering how the heck he got there. Many of today’s affairs start on Facebook or at work with one person expressing care toward another person. What many just don’t understand is that an affair begins way before the affair starts. It’s so important to learn that saying “no” has to happen at the beginning of a relationship. Most people really believe that they can maintain a “just friends” cross-gender relationships. But we all have to learn that friendships of with the opposite sex that exclude our spouse’s are very dangerous and really should never happen.

The unfaithful spouse doesn’t just lie to their spouse’s, but they also lie to themselves. They actually believe that no one is going to get hurt, that no one is going to find out and that what they are doing is not wrong, that they can be friends with the other person and that nothing will happen to them. They behave a lot like those addicted to drugs and alcohol. They must detox before they can even begin to make much sense. The thrill of having forbidden sex is very much like a drug. The flattery and the pleasurable physical sensations feel good to them.

We all know that it is very hard to resist temptation, and that is what an affair is. We begin to lie to ourselves in order to give ourselves the permission needed to move forward. Have you ever tried to diet, making the commitment to yourself that you wouldn’t go off your diet and fully meaning to keep that promise? Then later you find yourself saying that just one little bite isn’t going to hurt anything you will just exercise more the next day. Now I know that an affair is in no way a comparison of having an affair but the thinking is about the same.

The big hurdle in trying to understand why our spouse’s had the affair is that we are trying to explain irrational behavior with rational thinking. You just can’t do that because those caught up in the affair are just, in my opinion, mentally screwed up! Just because your spouse had an affair doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you, it just means they lost all common sense and didn’t know how to get it back. They are caught up in the “affair fog” and it takes being in complete No Contact with the other person at least six weeks for the fog to finally lift and for them to start thinking more clearly.

If you would like help in your current situation, please contact me. I have been there and I would be glad to help!

What is “Affair Fog”Anyway?

Marsha Rozalski — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:17:13 +0000

What is “Affair Fog” Anyway?

This term is used by both experts and affair victims. It describes the euphoria that one feels when they are involved in an affair. Remember how it felt when you first fell in love? During this time, the one having an affair will rationalize their actions so that they can minimize their guilt. They will even take it so far as to “invent” reasons why they are having an affair to begin with. Healing the marriage is impossible while they are in this fog.

The one having an affair will convince themselves that they’re in a bad marriage and/or that their spouse never really loved or understood them, when in reality this is far from the truth. Soon, the one having an affair will begin to actually believe the lies they are telling themselves so they then begin to act accordingly by treating their spouse very badly yet treating their affair partner in an affectionate and loving way. This is exactly how to addiction of affairs starts to take off.

The “Affair Fog” is really nothing more than a fantasy which is created by both of the affair partners. They see each other without flaws or weaknesses. The ones caught up in the affair are under the same influence as an addictive drug that is similar to a teenager in love. The bad news is that is it extremely hard to remove someone from this fog.

Many times when betrayed spouse’s find their spouse’s caught up in this “fog” they are unable to understand what their spouses are going through. They believe that their spouse has logically thought everything through and that they have found their perfect partner in their affair partner. I remember wondering why, all of a sudden, my husband was treating me SO badly. He was mean and nasty and acting like he couldn’t stand to even be around me and I was clueless as to why he was treating me this way.

I have since learned a lot about the “affair fog” and infatuation that now I can look at affairs more realistically. When I see others caught up in affairs that they are not thinking clearly and they are in no way acting in ways that one would consider rational. I can now see how an affair can turn any man who always puts his family first, into a person that only thinks of himself with no regard of the pain and devastation that he is causing.

Talking with those caught up in affairs, I see how little concern they have for the distress they are causing their families. They continually try to justify their actions. They surround themselves with other people who support their decision and who feel their affair partner is perfect for them. Those in the affair usually go around telling other people all of their affair partners redeeming qualities.

Until the “affair fog” and addiction are gone, healing from infidelity cannot begin. This fog usually won’t lift until 6 weeks have passed since they have had any sort of contact with the other person. That includes; seeing them, getting an email or text from them, speaking with them on the phone, etc. That is why it is so important to change jobs if they affair happened in the work place.

Due West – When The Smoke Clears

Marsha Rozalski — Mon, 23 May 2011 14:27:06 +0000

Surviving Infidelity – How To Regain The Trust After An Affair

Marsha Rozalski — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:45:29 +0000

If you are faced with surviving infidelity, then one thing I am sure you are struggling with is the subject of trust. As betrayed spouse’s, we now are extremely leery of anything our spouse’s say because we now know they are liars. We no longer trust what we hear them saying because all during their affair they did nothing but lie right to our faces. My husband had an affair that lasted for an entire year and for that whole year he lied right to my face. I remember how sincere he looked and how I believed what he was saying.

After I found out about his affair and I was struggling with surviving infidelity, I didn’t care how sincere he looked or sounded, I believed NOTHING that came out of his mouth because I knew he was VERY capable of lying right to my face. After someone breaks a promise a huge as being faithful, words become meaningless, and actions will mean absolutely everything! It really will come down to what your spouse does and not what they say. If you want to know if your spouse is truly sincere in wanting to save the marriage and is truly done with the other person then all you need to do is look at what they are doing and see if what they are doing matches with what they are saying. Your gut is going to tell you if what they are saying is NOT matching with what they are DOING.

The main key to surviving infidelity and rebuilding the trust in the marriage is to have proven behavior over a long period of time. The most important action that needs done first is to break all ties with the affair partner and I do mean ALL ties! No contact with the affair partner whatsoever! No physical contact, no emails, no texting, no phone calls, no instant messaging, etc. No contact means just that, no contact! I even believe that if they work together then the one that had the affair needs to find a new job. No one said there wasn’t consequences to ones actions.

Another way to help one in surviving infidelity and bring trust back is to be an open book. If you are the one that strayed, being an open book goes a long way to rebuilding that trust. Let the betrayed spouse have access to your cell phone, all of your email accounts and chat logs, bank statements, credit card statements, etc. Basically, you need to let them have access to everything. If you don’t you are telling them, with your actions, that you are still hiding things from them. You may feel this is invading your privacy but after an affair you really don’t have any right to privacy for a while.

Another key in surviving infidelity and bringing back the trust is to honestly and openly answer ALL of the betrayed spouse’s questions. If you withhold information because you feel you are “lessening the blow” all you are truly doing is destroying all hope of rebuilding any kind of trust. As you know, the truth ALWAYS comes out in the end and if you withheld any information it will be viewed as lying and the trust that was built will vanish in a flash. Just one lie is going to destroy all the trust you had gained back and you will have to start all over again.

Lastly in surviving infidelity, the spouse that had the affair needs to learn to be VERY patient while their betrayed spouse works through and heals from all of the devastation emotions. Many times, the one that had the affair will become very tired of just how long this process takes but if the betrayed spouse sees their spouse slacking off in their efforts of rebuilding the trust the betrayed spouse is going to starting doubting their spouse. This is probably the hardest part for the spouse that had the affair because this stage can literally last for YEARS and that can be very tiring but you must remember, you have to do this on your own because no one but you can rebuild the trust in your marriage.

Surviving Infidelity – Top 5 Things You Need To Do Now

Marsha Rozalski — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 17:28:47 +0000

If you haven’t gone through a spouse’s affair then you have no idea the pain and devastation that is involved and how hard on someone surviving infidelity truly is. In the beginning stages of just finding out about the affair, you are literally balancing in between life and death. This isn’t just some bad day you’re having or something you just “get over”. I believe that surviving infidelity is worse than death and living through it is your worst nightmare. That is why I am here to give you a guide to help you through this devastating experience.

1. Be Kind To Yourself

Right now you need some pampering and comfort so let yourself. Buy new clothes, send some flowers to yourself, get your nails done, etc. You have to remind yourself that there is still good things in this world because right now everything probably looks dark and bleak. Even though you may not think so, your future still holds hope. Spend some time in the sun as this can lighten depression. Make a spa appointment so you can have something you can look forward to. Have a facial and maybe even get a new hairdo. Make yourself look and feel beautiful, even if you do not feel like it because you need to do this if you plan on surviving infidelity.

2. Keep Yourself Healthy

If you were anything like me, you probably don’t feel like eating or drinking a thing but while you are surviving infidelity, your body needs to be strong and healthy so you need to feed it well. Please remember to drink plenty of water and when you do eat, make it a healthy choice and maybe consider taking a multi-vitamin to help. You need to stay healthy so you can make the hard decisions that you will be facing in the near future.

3. Feed Your Spirit

You need to spend time in God’s Word someplace quiet so you can pray and meditate. This was my saving grace in surviving infidelity because without it I wouldn’t be where I am today. I would strongly suggest using a daily devotion just for the betrayed spouse so that each devotion is centered on things you are personally struggling with.

4. Do Not Make Any Decisions Based On Emotions

This is hard to do but you must learn how to never make decisions based on how you are feeling if you plan on surviving infidelity. Feelings change all the time and if you make a life changing decision based on a fleeting emotion 99% of the time you will regret this decision. Please never make any life changing decisions in the first year after you find out about the affair. This is essential in surviving infidelity.

5. Plan Out Your Days

You need to plan out your days because when you are surviving infidelity you mind is so focused on the affair it’s hard to get it to think about anything else. Get out some paper and schedule out everything and make your days busy so you do not have time to cry in bed. You need to get up and fight, even though you didn’t want this war, you are now in the middle of it so you can’t just lie down and die. Grieving is okay but schedule some down time for this; don’t allow yourself to spend days, weeks and months in bed grieving. Make yourself get out of bed, get fully dressed and to have a constructive day. Believe me when I say I know you do not want to do this but I know from experience that you must do this.

Healing Infidelity

Marsha Rozalski — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 02:13:03 +0000

Healing infidelity is never easy and is impossible to heal from alone. Many of those suffering from their spouse’s affair believe they have to do so in private because they are unable to tell anyone about what is happening to them. This is sad because it’s almost impossible to do alone. When you are dealing with infidelity on your own with no one to talk to or lean on it’s going to take you ten times longer to heal than those who seek out help from others. Just because you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, this is false because in today’s world there is always the internet.

Healing infidelity should never be done alone. You should learn to seek out those who are going through the same thing you are. When I was going through it, it wasn’t 8 hours after I found out about my husband’s affair that I was on the internet searching for forums and message boards for those going through the same thing. I was on those boards every day many times a day seeking out advice and help during those dark times in my life. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, I urge you to find some way to connect with others going through the same thing you are.

Healing infidelity is almost impossible without God’s help. I learned this the hard way because I thought I could do it myself but after 3 years of being in terrible pain and watching my marriage fall apart in front of my eyes I could see that I could not do this on my own anymore and I didn’t want to do it on my own anymore. My pain was a constant companion and I didn’t want to be in pain any longer.

I urge you, if you are in constant pain and struggling with healing infidelity, then let God help you with your pain. He can take the pain away and work in your heart and change your pain filled heart to one of forgiveness and love again if you let Him. I choose to work through my pain with daily devotions because I just didn’t know where to start. Having something to read and work on every day really helped pull me out of my pain and actually filled me with hope again. You can also find hope again for yourself and your marriage.

Getting Over An Affair – Is The Pain Worth It?

Marsha Rozalski — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 10:00:24 +0000

Did your spouse have an affair and you are now left struggling with getting over an affair? Are you still in a lot of pain and anger over their affair? Recovering from infidelity is not easy and it will take years before you both are healed from this devastation. Most people don’t like hearing that it takes years to heal from infidelity, but it is the truth. It was 4½ years before I could say that I was completely healed. I had spent years looking for answers to getting over an affair and ridding myself of the pain.

My spouse did all the right things and did everything I asked of him, including moving far away but to my surprise this did not help in getting over an affair. No matter how far away we went the pain seemed to follow me. When I finally realized that no matter where we lived, I was going to be in pain, we moved back home. I missed my family and living far away really wasn’t accomplishing anything. Moving home didn’t heal me, as I was still in a lot of pain, I was angry, I was depressed and I was turning bitter and resentful. I was even starting to hate my spouse and I really didn’t want my life to keep going on like this. I knew if I didn’t change we would end up divorced.

I then decided that I need to get serious about getting over an affair before I lost my entire marriage. I decided to use daily devotions to help me with my pain and my wounded spirit. I was in so much pain that I knew I needed a closer relationship with God so that He could fill me with love, comfort and peace and take out all of my anger, resentment, bitterness and pain. I knew that only He could do this because I had been trying to do this myself for years and it was not working. Once I really started getting into His Word and getting closer to Him I noticed that I started having good days again. In fact, I noticed that I was having more good days than bad days.

I started to enjoy being with my spouse and I started to like who I was again. Using daily devotions is a sure fire way of getting over an affair and having a happy marriage again!

Do you want your pain and devastation to go away? Are you working on getting over an affair? Then please consider adding daily devotions to your daily routine. Please visit Godly Whispers for great devotions just for the betrayed spouse.

Getting Over An Affair – Are You Still In Pain?

Marsha Rozalski — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 10:00:49 +0000

Are you getting over an affair you spouse had and you are wondering why you are still in so much pain? Healing from affairs is no easy task and it can takes years before the pain goes away. Most people don’t want to hear that but it’s the truth. It took me four and a half years to be completely healed from my husband’s year long affair. I spent years searching for the answer to how to deal and get rid of my pain.

My husband did everything right and everything I asked him to do, even moving 1,400 miles away but the pain seemed to follow me where ever we went. We moved 3 times and each time was no better than the last time. After 3 years of moving we came back home because I realized that moving away from the other woman was not the answer. Was I any better when we came home? No I was still getting over an affair and I was doing it very badly. I was still in pain, depressed, angry, bitter and resentful and I was starting to hate my husband. This is not what I wanted and I had to find something to make this better. I realized that I was making things much worse and that if I didn’t change soon my husband would most likely leave me.

That is when I decided to start using daily devotions for getting over an affair. I was hurting so badly inside that I needed to get closer to God so that He could fill that void inside of me. Getting into His Word every day and actually working through all my feelings and laying down everything at His feet I started to feel better. I started having good days and soon the good days out numbered the bad days. I started laughing again and I started to enjoy being with my husband again. I was starting to find myself again and I started liking who I was.

Getting over an affair without daily devotions is extremely hard and why would you want it to be any harder? If you want to find yourself again and you want to start feeling good again, I suggest that you find some daily devotions that are for people whose spouse’s have had affairs and start getting into God’s Word every day and start having God lead the way instead of you trying to find your own way.

Infidelity In Marriage

Marsha Rozalski — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 00:30:58 +0000

Infidelity in marriage is the most devastating thing that can ever happen to you. When you first find out that your spouse has cheated on you, your whole world falls apart. It’s very hard to wrap your mind around the fact that your spouse, the one that claims to love you can do such a horrible thing to you. How can the person who vowed to love, honor and cherish you betray you in such a horrible way? When you just find out you are usually in shock and then you spend months unable to think about anything else.

Infidelity in marriage can make your mind very unstable because it’s just about impossible to think about anything other than the affair. It’s just about impossible to get the mental images of them together out of your mind. If your spouse is refusing to give you any details, then these images can actually get much worse. Thinking about your spouse being with another person is the worst form of mental torture anyone can go through. I will say this, when it comes to infidelity in marriage, if you spouse will sit down with you and openly and honestly talk about the affair with you and keep doing this until you don’t need to talk about it anymore will make your healing go much faster. But, if they do tell you the details you can yell, scream and vent your anger all over them or they will shut down and you won’t get anything out of them.

When you are dealing with infidelity in marriage you must remember to never make any decisions right away. I know of many people that just up and left and then later wished they never did. Don’t make any decisions based on emotions. If it takes a year to make up your mind if you are going to leave or not, then so be it. But maybe you are thinking how could I stay after they did such a horrible thing? Many couple’s have recovered from infidelity in marriage and they have even come to be happier after all the hard work of healing.

You can heal from infidelity in marriage thought it’s a long and hard road. I have found that the best way to heal from infidelity in marriage is through daily devotions. Without daily devotions, I would still be in so much pain over my husband’s affair. They can help you heal the pain in your heart and help you find your way back to a healthy and happy marriage.

Do you want your pain and devastation to go away? Do you want to heal from infidelity in marriage? Then please consider adding daily devotions to your daily routine. Please visit Godly Whispers for great devotions just for the betrayed spouse.