Emotional Affairs

It’s sad, but usually all the focus is on the actual sex that is involved in the relationships that are outside of the marriage, but emotional affairs are still just as detrimental to the marriage. Emotional affairs actually can cause more of a threat to the marriage than just a sexual relationship. Of course, combination’s of both sexual and emotional affairs are the most difficult ones to address.

With the question, “What can I do?” it will help if you understand all that is involved in growing and sustaining an emotional attachment. The key ingredient in the emotional bond is the degree in which the two people are honest with each other. Sometimes people feel safer being more honest with someone other than their spouse because this other person has no real personal investment in these feelings like a spouse would have. They also won’t respond the same way as a spouse would because they don’t have the same kind of judgment on those feelings that a spouse would have. A way to understand this is to think of how often you share information with a stranger that you wouldn’t share with friends or family. This is because the stranger really doesn’t know you so telling them really has no impact on your life.

But, if there is ongoing contact with a person that you are extremely honest with, it is going to generate a strong feeling of closeness and this in turn will cultivate even more honest conversation which makes for more closeness, and on and on. Eventually, this relationship will become very close and an emotional attachment is going to develop.

It is very natural to feel threatened when your spouse gets involved in this kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, especially if there is more honest sharing with this “friend” than in the marriage. I am not placing blame anywhere for any lack of honest communication in the marriage, just know that this is very important in a marriage and work towards increase the degree of honesty within the marriage.

It’s so important that both spouses’ have responsible honesty. What I mean by this is the purpose of this honesty is for the specific purpose of connecting you both on an intimate level. You need to share your hopes, fears, dreams, frustrations, joys, sorrows, etc. In doing so hopefully your spouse will gradually reciprocate.

People are drawn together when they feel like they really know someone. It’s odd, but married folks will sometimes stop knowing each other because of years of not sharing their private thoughts. But, it’s never too late to turn that around.

So, what has happened that there is an inappropriate friendship with the opposite sex? My feelings are because boundaries were not set and kept by both partners. If you have a friendship that is causing harm to your marriage and you do NOT give that friendship up, you are basically saying that you care more about this friendship than you do your marriage and your spouse. Any friendship that is causing harm to the marriage is WRONG! If you are unsure of any friendship, all you have to do is ask your spouse, they will tell you if it’s harming the marriage or not.

So, what if your spouse is having an inappropriate friendship with someone and they refuse to stop it? I would treat it just like any other affair because that is what it is an affair! Boundaries need to be set and kept but a lot of times I can’t get folks to stick to them. Unless some drastic measures are taken, that “friendship” will turn sexual and things will just become much worse. You need to write down what you are willing to put up with and what your not.

Here are some examples:

The number one boundary to maintain concerning relationships with members of the opposite sex is to avoid one on one contact. Do not be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Never be alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex. If you need a ride then make sure there is more than just one person with you. Take a child, a friend, someone so that you are not alone. Don’t make appointments for cable, construction, etc. when you are alone at home. Invite a friend over or make it when your spouse is home.

A “friendship” with a someone of the opposite sex that excludes the spouse is inappropriate in marriage.
Why must your spouse be excluded from this relationship? I enjoy friendships with men, and my husband enjoys friendships with women, but we do so as couples. We never exclude each other and we never hang out with someone from the opposite sex alone.

Don’t keep secrets!
Secrets are great for birthday’s but not for marriages. Secrets and lies are best friends so beware! Basically, secrets are unexpressed lies and they have no place in your marriage. Usually the secrets are around outside relationships and money. This is where the honest communication comes in.

Don’t talk about any marriage problem with someone of the opposite sex, family or friends.
Even though you feel the need to vent, it should never be with any of these people. It should first be with your spouse, or if not then it should be with a counselor, pastor, mentor, coach, etc.