Does Your Spouse Still Work With Their Affair Partner?
Question:
I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a woman he works with for the past 2 years. I found out because she called me. He says the affair is over, but I just can’t get over it because he still works with her. How do I get over this and trust him again? I’m in so much pain and I don’t know what to do, please help.
I have found that when the 3rd party calls the betrayed spouse and tells them about the affair it’s in hopes that they will kick the spouse out and divorce them or it’s a revenge tactic because the spouse has ended the affair.
Work or office affairs are the most common types of affairs. At work, people show a side of themselves that does not really represent the whole person. They show the best side of themselves, looking good and acting great. The work place can give off a sense of intensity and importance which can turn it into a sexy place to be. So, this is a very potent atmosphere and I can see why work place affairs are so common.
The fact that he still works with her is VERY concerning! Just because he claims the affair is “over” does not mean there is no cause for being concerned about the ongoing contact at work. Until ALL contact is broken, it’s extremely unlikely that this couple can even BEGIN to heal the wounds of this affair.
Having a reluctance to “let go” of any kind of connection indicates that there is some doubt about fully committing to rebuilding the marriage. If the spouse totally cuts all ties with the 3rd party, this says to me that they are FULLY committed to restoring their marriage. I believe that actions speak way louder than any words.
I fully believe that there must be NO CONTACT of any kind and if that means changing jobs, then so be it. There are consequences to our actions and if taking a pay cut and finding another job is part of that, then oh well. It’s what has to be done. If the spouse is choosing NOT to cut out all contact, then they are saying they don’t care about the betrayed spouse’s feelings or the healing of their marriage.
So, how does one “get over this” and trust again? This has EVERYTHING to do with cutting ALL contact with the 3rd party. There really isn’t any hope of “getting over this” or trusting again if there is still contact of ANY kind! Trust is build by doing trustworthy actions over a period of time so you can’t just “decide” to trust them. You can’t “get over this” or have trust again overnight. It’s a process that takes time and if there is truly no contact, it will come.
As we can see, she just recently found out about the affair and the first six months are spent just functioning. She has to give it time to find her footing before she can begin to not be so overwhelmed with all her emotions. The pain won’t go away until all contact has been severed and once that has been done it will still take time. Healing from an affair is not an overnight process, it literally takes YEARS.
The first thing that needs to be done is NO CONTACT. That is a boundary that needs to be set and kept. If there is any kind of contact then it’s an automatic deal breaker.
If you are having this issue and need my help, please contact me.
What a relief to read these words! I truly feel this. My head and heart tell me this is the way to go. I’ve “known” for 6 months now, for 6 months he has been telling me it’s over. The relationship is back on a professional footing. They can work together. I must get over it. For the first 2 months, too true I only functioned. for the next 2 months I tried the reconciliation on his terms. He may very well have “stopped the affair” but it stomps around my head each and everyday that they spend together at the office that “today could be the day it starts up again” I can’t live like this. The past 2 months have been traumatic. I have asked, begged, threatened for him to break all ties.No result. I’ve started divorce proceedings and am feeling stronger, more determined, my self-respect is returning. Her or me. Simple.