Here are some things that I have learned along this rough road of recovery. Now, I do realize that not every spouse is really going to do these things. I just wish they would and that they would realize how much it would affect the marriage if they did.

To rid yourself of the pain of your spouse’s affair, is to have your spouse really listen to your hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel your hurt. We need them to bring up the affair, and let us know it’s on their mind too, so that we know we aren’t alone in our pain. The more they pay attention to our pain, the less we will pay attention to it.

I know our spouse’s probably want to run away from our pain because it causes them pain too. They might think, what good can come of us “always” talking about our pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, having them listen to our pain and hurt and really hearing us, will make us feel closer to them and the pain less intense.

We need them to NOT try and cheer us up but to really own the pain we are in. To really feel what we are feeling and to verbally say, “I did this to you and I’m truly sorry.” We need to be able to go to them as often as we need to with our pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” We should be able to talk about the affair whenever we need to and have them willing be there for us with support and NOT anger.