Really, just listening, with empathy, will help us heal and feel closer to them. Sometimes we are so worried about NOT bringing it up anymore and trying to move past this, that we fell as though we are never going to get any better. All we are doing is burying our hurt just to be triggered again. The more we talk about our hurt and pain to spouse’s that are willing to put aside their defenses and justifications and are willing to own our pain and feel our anguish, the more we heal and the less we hurt. This is a great way to stop the hurt.

So, if your spouse asks if there is anything they can do to help you, tell them YES there is! You can tell them that listening and empathizing are the most powerful healing gestures they can make. This will go right through our sense of combativeness and isolation and encourages us to reconnect with them.

My marriage coach told me that I needed time, antidepressants and my husband meeting my needs for my pain. I did all this and my husband tried to meet my needs but my pain was still there. I was made to believe that bringing up the affair wasn’t doing any good and to leave it alone. I had hurt and anger that I had no idea what to do with.

My husband should have been told to draw out my hurt, anger, and pain EVERY DAY, and to own it all! Then, once I was hurting much less and we were connected again, THEN address the issues in the marriage BESIDES the affair.