Controlled Separation, is it for you?

Sometimes, even though you know you don’t want to divorce and you know you love your spouse, you just can’t take living with them, seeing them, and being with them every day because the pain is just too much to bear. A controlled separation is not for those who want to divorce, it’s for those who want to save their marriages and they do so by working with a counselor or coach by putting together a separation agreement with very specific guidelines.

Controlled separation will allow you and your spouse to live separately and at the very same time be about to negotiate and work together to find solutions to the marital problems. Not having the spouse who betrayed you, in your face all the time will help and not fighting and being in a state of emotional crisis all the time helps the marriage heal.

Here are some basic guidelines that are used in a controlled separation:

Set a limit: usually 3-6 months.

No Lawyers: you both agree that neither spouse will file for divorce during this period of time.

Someone Must Move Out: Both of you decide which one will move out of the house (usually the one that had the affair).

Splitting Finances: the finances should stay the way they were before during this time.

The Children: they should never be kept from the spouse that had the affair and they should see the kids very regularly and be agreed upon between both spouses.

Keeping it Confidential: an agreement will be made by both spouse’s on who is told and who isn’t told about the controlled separation.

Spending Time Together: You still need to spend time together because remember, this is about saving the marriage. You need time with counselors, time to talk about the affair and you both need time to go out to dinner and NOT talk about the marriage, the affair or anything heavy, just have fun! This has to be negotiated between both spouses.

Having Intimate Relations: You need to discuss whether or not to continue with a sexual relationship.

These are just some of the limits that are stated in the controlled separation agreement. You must both keep to this agreement. Even if the betrayed spouse does NOT want to go out on a date with the wayward spouse, they still must go, both parties need to keep strictly to the contract and keep working on moving forward to a healed and better marriage.

If you need help around a controlled separation, please contact me and we can set one up.