Is your spouse caught up in an affair and they won’t quit? Are they on the fence and bouncing between you and the other person? Would you like them to stop seeing the other person for good?

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Confronting the Other Person

You are NOT going to want to do this face to face.  I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face.  Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did.  It’s better to either write a letter or an email.  You only want to say this, “I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife.  I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together.  Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay.  This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage.  Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse’s name) forever.
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Who to Tell

Your family, your spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, his/her boss or work, colleagues, your church family, the other person’s family and friends, etc.  Just know that you are not “spouse bashing”, this is not where you run and tell everyone you come across what a horrible spouse you have.  That is not the point in telling people.  Here is what you want to say.  “My spouse is having an affair with (other person).  I know this because of (tell of the evidence).  I love (spouse’s name) and I want to save our marriage.  Please help me by encouraging him/her to do the right thing by ending their affair and all contact with (other person’s name) and recommit to our marriage.
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Intervention
Just like you do with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, a good ole intervention!  Where all their friends and family are there telling them that right NOW they have stop what they are doing and get help (marriage counseling or coaching).   The family and friends also set firm boundaries with what they are willing to put up with now and in the future if this person wants to stay in their lives.  This is a form of “Tough Love”.  You’re saying that you love them and the life you both have together very much and that you’re willing to make them uncomfortable and angry in order to end their destructive behavior.  You’re also saying that you care enough about yourself to set boundaries about what you are willing to accept in your life if they continue on in this affair.
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Is Confronting Mean?

A lot of people think that exposing the affair to all these people is mean.  I will tell you that your spouse will become VERY ugly when they find out about all the people you have been telling.  They are this way because, number one, they don’t want their fantasy to end and putting light on it makes it end very fast.  Number two, they may be ashamed of what they have done and aren’t proud of the fact and are upset that their mistakes are known.  You cannot let this stop you.

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Stop Annoying Behaviors
Are there things that drive your spouse nuts and are very irritating to your spouse?  Stop doing them!  Just know that nothing you have done or haven’t done is any justification for your spouse’s affair.  But since we are on a mission of saving the marriage these things could be coming in between you both and they need to end.  You don’t need to become the perfect spouse and personal change takes time so don’t start blaming yourself for the affair and don’t fall for the “if I’m just good enough the affair will end”.

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Confronting Your Spouse

Before confronting your spouse be sure to have rock solid evidence so they can’t start denying it and then try and get you to feel “crazy” and that it’s all in your head.  When you are confronting them you are not blaming, accusing, or being disrespectful.  You are making factual statements about your evidence.  Like, “I have found your cell phone records and I have seen you two together, I have these pictures from the P. I.”  Things like this.  You just state what you have against them.  Then you tell them how you feel about it.  “I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination.  My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank).  This will destroy our marriage if this continues on.  You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.
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