Sunday, August 1st, 2010 at
6:00 am
I found this on my computer. I wrote it in 2006 and thought I would share it with all of you.
For 2 years I have been searching for the answer to this question: How do I get rid of my hurt? I didn’t want to hear the answers time or antidepressants. Today, I think I finally get it.
How to get rid of my pain, or really anyone’s pain is to have the offender really listen to my hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive but to really hear and feel my hurt. I needed him to bring up the affair, and let me know it was on his mind too, so that I knew I wasn’t alone in my pain. The more he pays attention to my pain, the less I am likely to pay attention to it.
I know my husband probably wanted to run away from my pain because it caused him pain too. He might have thought that really, what good can come of me “always” talking about my pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, I have come to realize that him listening to my pain and hurt and really hearing me, makes me feel closer to him and the pain less intense.
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Thursday, June 17th, 2010 at
10:06 am
To heal the pain in both of you after an affair takes the participation of both of you. It also takes talking about the affair at great length so that both parties can absorb all the pain so that true healing can happen. The offender really needs to listen to the hurt and pain of the injured party. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel the other persons hurt and pain. The more they pay attention to your pain, the less likely you are to pay attention to it.
Most wayward spouses probably want to run away from the pain they see in you because it causes them pain too. They don’t want to accept that it’s because of them that this pain is even there. They may think, what good can come of me “always” talking about our pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, having them really listen and really feel the pain and hurt makes you feel closer to them and the pain less intense.
You need to be able to go to them as often as you need to with your pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” You should be able to talk about the affair whenever you need to and have them willing be there for you with support and not anger or defensiveness.
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Monday, June 14th, 2010 at
9:30 am
What exactly is forgiveness and can you really forgive someone for such a devastating betrayal? Wikipedia says this about forgiveness: Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. So, what does it mean to actually forgive someone?
For one, it means that you won’t ever bring up what they have done to you in terms of being mean and to cause pain to them. That doesn’t mean you can never speak of it again but when you do it will be to find insight and enlightenment to move forward and not to throw barbs at the other person just to see them bleed.
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Friday, June 11th, 2010 at
9:25 am
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we won’t ever think about the infidelity again. But it does mean that we make the conscious effort to not to think about it in ways that are destructive to us anymore. So, these thoughts will most likely come back to haunt you and that is only natural but, you have you have to be in control, don’t like your thoughts be in control of you. Forgiveness is choosing not to dwell on these negative thoughts in a way that can become destructive to you and your relationship.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to trust the other person. Trust is very different than forgiveness. Trust is something the other person must prove they are worthy of. Forgiveness is something we freely give and not something that has to be earned. In reality, you can forgive someone and never really trust them again.
Forgiveness is our choice and is up to us to give it or withhold it. But if you withhold your forgiveness in order to hurt the other party, you might just find out that the only person you are hurting is yourself. You’ll find that forgiving is very freeing, it’s freeing you of the bitterness and hatred that you’ve been carrying around in your heart towards this other person and your able to enjoy life again.
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Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 at
6:30 am
Can a marriage really and truly heal after the aftermath of infidelity? I believe that the answer is YES it really can BUT it takes a lot of hard work from both spouse’s. There will be healing that needs to be done together along with the healing of each individual. There are steps that can be taken to heal the hurt and pain an affair causes. It can also bring back the intimate connection into your marriage.
First things first, the affair must be truly over with no contact put into place. If the affair is still going on or there is still any kind of contact even if it’s not sexual there will be NO healing. The Wayward Spouse must establish no contact with the affair partner. The best way to do this is to have the Wayward Spouse send a certified no contact letter in their own handwriting to the affair partner. Read more about No Contact Letters.
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