Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 at
6:00 am
They are addictions and they have nothing to do with love. I don’t care if your spouse says that the OP (Other Person) is their “soul mate” and that they didn’t know what “love” truly was until they meet the OP, this is NOT love! All this is, are chemicals going bonkers in your spouse’s brain making them think they are in “love”. These chemicals are what makes the affair an addiction.
I get letters all the time from betrayed spouse’s saying that their spouse is sitting on the fence, that they are sure who they want. I get letters about those who spouse’s swear up and down that they have ended the affair and will never see them again but end up right back in the affair even thought they KNOW it could cost them everything. They are an addict and we need to treat them as such.
Have you seen the show “Intervention” on A&E? I love that show! If you have a spouse that is sitting on the fence torn between you and the OP then what needs to be done is an Intervention. If you don’t then your spouse will never have an consequences for their actions.
Read the rest of this entry
Sunday, July 11th, 2010 at
6:00 am
Getting Your Spouse to Break
All Ties With Their Affair Partner
Question:
“My husband had an affair with a woman he works with. He has decided to stay with me and the children but he sees her every day at work and has to call her and email her about work related things. How do I get him to see that this MUST stop if we are ever going to move forward? I am in so much pain, please help!”
I’m going to tell you that your marriage can’t even start to heal while your husband is in contact with the other woman. I will say that getting him to cut all ties with the other woman can be very difficult. You must do this at the right time and in the right way. First, you need to get as much perspective as possible and then give your husband an ultimatum in the form of a letter.
I know that my husband thought they could be “just friends” but I put my foot down and even insisted that we move. We moved over 1,000 miles away for over 2 years and this help tremendously. I had a list of musts that he had to do or else he could move out. If I didn’t set these boundaries, I believe we would be divorced today.
Read the rest of this entry
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010 at
8:30 am
Is your spouse caught up in an affair and they won’t quit? Are they on the fence and bouncing between you and the other person? Would you like them to stop seeing the other person for good?
You should look at infidelity as an addiction and treat it as such. An affair is just as destructive as an addiction and it harms everyone it touches. You can apply many of the strategies that addiction recovery programs have used successfully for years. Many spouse’s, when faced with their partners affair, make mistakes. Sometimes huge mistakes but this is normal and to be expected.
Read the rest of this entry
Sunday, May 30th, 2010 at
8:25 am
Intervention
Just like you do with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, a good ole intervention! Where all their friends and family are there telling them that right NOW they have stop what they are doing and get help (marriage counseling or coaching). The family and friends also set firm boundaries with what they are willing to put up with now and in the future if this person wants to stay in their lives. This is a form of “Tough Love”.
Read the rest of this entry
Thursday, May 27th, 2010 at
8:20 am
Stop Annoying Behaviors
Are there things that drive your spouse nuts and are very irritating to your spouse? Stop doing them! Just know that nothing you have done or haven’t done is any justification for your spouse’s affair. But since we are on a mission of saving the marriage these things could be coming in between you both and they need to end. You don’t need to become the perfect spouse and personal change takes time so don’t start blaming yourself for the affair and don’t fall for the “if I’m just good enough the affair will end”. This all leads to you thinking you have to be perfect and that isn’t true.
Some things would be poor hygiene habits, too much time in doing things like TV, computer, talking on the phone, shopping, etc., talking about your spouse in poor light to others outside the marriage, losing control and going into rages, things like this. I’m sure you get the idea.
Read the rest of this entry
Monday, May 24th, 2010 at
8:15 am
Confronting Your Spouse
Before confronting your spouse be sure to have rock solid evidence so they can’t start denying it and then try and get you to feel “crazy” and that it’s all in your head. When you are confronting them you are not blaming, accusing, or being disrespectful. You are making factual statements about your evidence. Like, “I have found your cell phone records and I have seen you two together, I have these pictures from the P. I.”
Things like this. You just state what you have against them. Then you tell them how you feel about it. “I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination. My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank). This will destroy our marriage if this continues on. You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.
Read the rest of this entry
Friday, May 21st, 2010 at
8:10 am
Who to Tell
Your family, your spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, his/her boss or work, colleagues, your church family, the other person’s family and friends, etc. Just know that you are not “spouse bashing”, this is not where you run and tell everyone you come across what a horrible spouse you have. That is not the point in telling people.
Here is what you want to say. “My spouse is having an affair with (other person). I know this because of (tell of the evidence). I love (spouse’s name) and I want to save our marriage. Please help me by encouraging him/her to do the right thing by ending their affair and all contact with (other person’s name) and recommit to our marriage.
Read the rest of this entry
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010 at
8:05 am
Is Confronting Mean?
A lot of people think that exposing the affair to all these people is mean. I will tell you that your spouse will become VERY ugly when they find out about all the people you have been telling. They are this way because, number one, they don’t want their fantasy to end and putting light on it makes it end very fast. Number two, they may be ashamed of what they have done and aren’t proud of the fact and are upset that their mistakes are known.
You cannot let this stop you. Do not just look at today! The anger will pass, you are striving for a bigger goal and that is saving your marriage at all costs! Treat this just like your spouse has an addiction and needs a major intervention to stop his/her destructive behavior. In no way are you being “mean” to your spouse, you are saving them and your family. This is where your love and commitment comes in, where you can face your spouse’s anger to save something as precious as your marriage and family.
Read the rest of this entry
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 at
6:40 am
Affairs are not a love story……
They are addictions and they have nothing to do with love. I don’t care if your spouse says that the OP (Other Person) is their “soul mate” and that they didn’t know what “love” truly was until they meet the OP, this is NOT love! All this is, are chemicals going bonkers in your spouse’s brain making them think they are in “love”. These chemicals are what makes the affair an addiction.
I get letters all the time from betrayed spouse’s saying that their spouse is sitting on the fence, that they are sure who they want. I get letters about those who spouse’s swear up and down that they have ended the affair and will never see them again but end up right back in the affair even thought they KNOW it could cost them everything. They are an addict and we need to treat them as such.
Have you seen the show “Intervention” on A&E? I love that show! If you have a spouse that is sitting on the fence torn between you and the OP then what needs to be done is an Intervention. If you don’t then your spouse will never have an consequences for their actions.
Read the rest of this entry
Saturday, April 24th, 2010 at
6:35 am
They seem to wake up out of their fog pretty quickly and they see how much they stand to lose. They realize that they aren’t really “in love” with the OP at all, that it was all just a fantasy and that they were actually willing to lose everything over a fantasy. The WS is usually willing to do anything to get the BS back and have their family back together again.
Just like an addict, they constantly attempt to reform. If you ask, many WS’s admit that they have tried multiple times to leave the OP but it never really last long. They promise with all sincerity to never again have anything to do with the OP, but unless you make sure that your spouse’s entire social surroundings support this commitment, they will most likely go right back into the affair. My husband tried many times to end the affair and guess what, it never TRULY happened until I knew about the affair and so did everyone else we knew. Only then did the affair come to its true end.
Read the rest of this entry
