At 3 years out I was finally getting better. I didn’t have as much anger, I wasn’t nearly as depressed, my wall was about half down, we are starting to get along better, I have way more good days then bad ones, I’m still not “in love” with him but I don’t hate him either.
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From the people I talk to this comes up a lot. Their spouse will say this to them when they voice that they are still hurting over the affair. They will say they are still in pain over the affair and maybe the affair ended over a year or two years ago. Their spouse will then say to them, “But, I’m not doing it now.” Like we shouldn’t be in pain over something they are no longer doing.
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Really, just listening, with empathy, will help us heal and feel closer to them. Sometimes we are so worried about NOT bringing it up anymore and trying to move past this, that we fell as though we are never going to get any better. All we are doing is burying our hurt just to be triggered again. The more we talk about our hurt and pain to spouse’s that are willing to put aside their defenses and justifications and are willing to own our pain and feel our anguish, the more we heal and the less we hurt. This is a great way to stop the hurt.
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Here are some things that I have learned along this rough road of recovery. Now, I do realize that not every spouse is really going to do these things. I just wish they would and that they would realize how much it would affect the marriage if they did.

To rid yourself of the pain of your spouse’s affair, is to have your spouse really listen to your hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel your hurt. We need them to bring up the affair, and let us know it’s on their mind too, so that we know we aren’t alone in our pain. The more they pay attention to our pain, the less we will pay attention to it.
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