To heal the pain in both of you after an affair takes the participation of both of you. It also takes talking about the affair at great length so that both parties can absorb all the pain so that true healing can happen. The offender really needs to listen to the hurt and pain of the injured party. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel the other persons hurt and pain. The more they pay attention to your pain, the less likely you are to pay attention to it.

Most wayward spouses probably want to run away from the pain they see in you because it causes them pain too. They don’t want to accept that it’s because of them that this pain is even there. They may think, what good can come of me “always” talking about our pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, having them really listen and really feel the pain and hurt makes you feel closer to them and the pain less intense.

You need to be able to go to them as often as you need to with your pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” You should be able to talk about the affair whenever you need to and have them willing be there for you with support and not anger or defensiveness.

Just listening will help you heal and feel closer to them. You might be so worried about not bringing up the affair anymore and trying to move past this, that you’ll never get any better. All your doing is burying your hurt just to be triggered again. You’ll end up being filled with resentment and bitterness if you hold in your pain.

The one that offended needs to have you share your pain with them. Even if this makes them uncomfortable it needs to be done in order for your pain to lessen and to heal the brokenness inside of you.

The more the affair is talked about and gone over the more the pain goes away and real healing can happen. You will both become closer and you’ll find that you aren’t obsessing and being hyper vigilant about the affair any more. The more the offender shows concern and pays attention to your pain and hurt the more you are willing to let go of the hurt. If you both work through triggers together then you are less likely to fall into a depression and more likely to come together and feel closer.