Sunday, May 30th, 2010 at
8:25 am
Intervention
Just like you do with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, a good ole intervention! Where all their friends and family are there telling them that right NOW they have stop what they are doing and get help (marriage counseling or coaching). The family and friends also set firm boundaries with what they are willing to put up with now and in the future if this person wants to stay in their lives. This is a form of “Tough Love”.
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Thursday, May 27th, 2010 at
8:20 am
Stop Annoying Behaviors
Are there things that drive your spouse nuts and are very irritating to your spouse? Stop doing them! Just know that nothing you have done or haven’t done is any justification for your spouse’s affair. But since we are on a mission of saving the marriage these things could be coming in between you both and they need to end. You don’t need to become the perfect spouse and personal change takes time so don’t start blaming yourself for the affair and don’t fall for the “if I’m just good enough the affair will end”. This all leads to you thinking you have to be perfect and that isn’t true.
Some things would be poor hygiene habits, too much time in doing things like TV, computer, talking on the phone, shopping, etc., talking about your spouse in poor light to others outside the marriage, losing control and going into rages, things like this. I’m sure you get the idea.
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Monday, May 24th, 2010 at
8:15 am
Confronting Your Spouse
Before confronting your spouse be sure to have rock solid evidence so they can’t start denying it and then try and get you to feel “crazy” and that it’s all in your head. When you are confronting them you are not blaming, accusing, or being disrespectful. You are making factual statements about your evidence. Like, “I have found your cell phone records and I have seen you two together, I have these pictures from the P. I.”
Things like this. You just state what you have against them. Then you tell them how you feel about it. “I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination. My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank). This will destroy our marriage if this continues on. You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.
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Friday, May 21st, 2010 at
8:10 am
Who to Tell
Your family, your spouse’s family, your friends, his/her friends, his/her boss or work, colleagues, your church family, the other person’s family and friends, etc. Just know that you are not “spouse bashing”, this is not where you run and tell everyone you come across what a horrible spouse you have. That is not the point in telling people.
Here is what you want to say. “My spouse is having an affair with (other person). I know this because of (tell of the evidence). I love (spouse’s name) and I want to save our marriage. Please help me by encouraging him/her to do the right thing by ending their affair and all contact with (other person’s name) and recommit to our marriage.
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Tuesday, May 18th, 2010 at
8:05 am
Is Confronting Mean?
A lot of people think that exposing the affair to all these people is mean. I will tell you that your spouse will become VERY ugly when they find out about all the people you have been telling. They are this way because, number one, they don’t want their fantasy to end and putting light on it makes it end very fast. Number two, they may be ashamed of what they have done and aren’t proud of the fact and are upset that their mistakes are known.
You cannot let this stop you. Do not just look at today! The anger will pass, you are striving for a bigger goal and that is saving your marriage at all costs! Treat this just like your spouse has an addiction and needs a major intervention to stop his/her destructive behavior. In no way are you being “mean” to your spouse, you are saving them and your family. This is where your love and commitment comes in, where you can face your spouse’s anger to save something as precious as your marriage and family.
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Tuesday, May 18th, 2010 at
6:00 am
Is your spouse cheating on you and are you angry at all this? Maybe you are hurting and are wondering what to do? How can you be at peace and be uplifted at this very difficult time in your life? This whole sordid affair can be both overwhelming and painful. With daily bible devotionals based around healing from affairs you can find God’s ever-present love for you and what He has planned for you in your life and marriage.
Spending time doing your daily bible devotionals specifically for betrayed spouses will help you face your days with renewed hope. My hope for these daily bible devotionals is that they will reveal God’s plans for you and you will experience a sense of His peace within your inner spirit. These daily devotions are a way of discovering God’s wisdom and comfort.
From despair and pain you will find a renewed course full of hope. You will feel the warmth of God’s embrace and love, new ways of dealing with your situation will unravel and with it a new trust in God. Healing yourself and your marriage can be achieved using these daily devotions with dedication every day.
Feelings of depression, anger, revenge, loneliness, shock and overwhelmed confusion can be alleviated as you use these daily devotions for betrayed spouses. Spending this time with God can help you pull your life and marriage back together. Even for a marriage that has been shaken by infidelity there is still hope in God if you work at it.
A daily fifteen minute exercise in the presence of God as you do these daily bible devotionals will help a betrayed spouse heal and recover. Making a commitment to yourself to set apart this time will help you and your marriage recover and heal.
Saturday, May 15th, 2010 at
7:25 am
I get this question quiet a lot. Everyone wants to know how long this horrible pain is going to last. They want to know what they are in for and how long they will be in it. Most are very surprised to find that it literally takes YEARS to heal from a spouse’s infidelity. Some don’t even believe it until a year or so passes and then they come to me and tell me that they now believe me when I say that it takes 2-5 years and usually it’s closer to the 5-year mark. I don’t think recovery even begins until about 6-9 months out from D-Day. It takes that long just to come to grips with what has happened to your marriage.
But nothing is set in stone. Everyone has their own healing timeline so everyone goes through things at their own pace though most go through the same thing just at a different rate. A lot depends on your spouse and their willingness to put in the effort of your healing process. If you have an unremorseful spouse then it will take you much longer then someone who’s spouse is very remorseful and has empathy for you. So really, the timeline is up to what kind of marriage you have/had, and the people involved because everyone is different.
It also depends on how much work you put into your own healing. Are you working hard at healing your marriage? Are you seeking help for yourself by looking for support groups and counseling? The sooner you both get help, the shorter your recovery will be.
In Peggy Vaughn’s handbook, “Recovering from Affairs,” she describes the stages of recovery after an affair as follows:
• Shock
• Holding on
• Acknowledgment
• Adaptation and Change
Wednesday, May 12th, 2010 at
7:20 am
Shock
The disruption of the world, as you know it. Whether or not you suspected the affair before finding out about it, there’s the shock of actually knowing “for sure”.
Feelings: numbness, shame, slam to self-esteem, devastation, high anxiety, shock, hopelessness, feeling of being utterly alone, totally betrayed.
Most people show all the signs of having post traumatic stress disorder. They can’t eat, can’t sleep, and feel expected to leave the cheating partner. Others expect them to leave also. They can’t cope with normal day-to-day living. Memory (short term) seems to be gone. Can’t seem to think straight. Some have suicidal thoughts that may really get out of hand and they need medical attention.
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Sunday, May 9th, 2010 at
7:15 am
What people say after they first find out:
• Pretend that what they did is OK? For what? So they can say oh heck I got away with it and he/she forgave me why not do it again. I’ll be forgiven again.
• He admitted that he still thinks about her all the time. He also said that he felt constrained by our marriage, that he wasn’t sure that he loved me enough and that he no longer found me as attractive as he should.
• When reality does sink in – the hurt is just unbelievable. Frankly being stunned is much better – numbness is preferable to agony.
• The only way I would consider even discussing reconciling is if he agreed to NC for life period.
• I’m just in a state of shock.
• I can’t help but feel like everything is a lie and the whole last year of my life is gone.
• I am so very hurt!!! HE lied to me. …… what else is he hiding?
• I do not know what to do or how to continue life after I found out about my husbands affair.
• Sometimes I think ending my life would be the easiest way out.
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Thursday, May 6th, 2010 at
7:10 am
Holding On
The attempt to maintain the old situation, the not letting go. This can take the form of denial of simply an unwillingness to deal with this significant change in your life. You may feel in limbo; unable to go back but unwilling to move forward.
Feelings: Anger, resentment, bitterness, need for revenge, roller coaster feelings, what feels like endless pain and hurt, depression, hopelessness, love, hate, frustration, unfairness,
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