Question:
I have been struggling to get over my husbands year long affair. My husband and I both want to put it behind us, but I am still very hurt and angry about the whole thing. It was like pulling teeth to get any details out of him, and when I did I felt they weren’t really the whole truth. It’s been six months now and my husband says I should “Get over it already.” I still think about the affair everyday and I wish so badly that my husband would just talk to me about it. How can I get him to talk?
I hear this question all the time! It’s very sad, but the ones that have had the affair very often try to avoid dealing with the huge impact their affair has had on their spouse and their family. There is no way to guarantee that you spouse will finally talk.
Your spouse will try anything to get you to stop asking questions but it’s VERY important that you NOT give up and just accept it. This is exactly why they are stonewalling you and refusing to discuss the affair with you. They will also roll their eyes at you or react in anger to try and shut you down. They act like you are punishing them by asking questions. They do all this in hopes that you will eventually give up. Don’t fall for this!
There are natural consequences to having an affair and by doing everything they can to NOT talk about it they are trying to get out of dealing with these consequences.
You shouldn’t nag or bring up the affair all the time but you need to make it clear that the issue will NEVER go away until it’s been dealt with. Unless it’s talked about it will be buried alive because this can never stay buried, it will just keep coming back over and over even 20 years later!
Have you ever brought up the affair during a period of calm in your relationship and have your spouse say things like, “I thought you were doing so well” as if they can’t believe you’re not “over it” already. It’s important to bring it up even during the relatively good times so that you can make it clear that it’s only a TEMPORARY lull in the relationship and that it will NEVER go away without thoroughly talking about it.
Here’s an excerpt about this the book, “The Monogamy Myth”
“When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn’t they be told what they want to know. They feel they’re being treated like a child, and they resent it.
“If the information didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible… It’s doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists.
“I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, “enough is enough, let’s get on with our lives.” Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind.”
(end of excerpt from “The Monogamy Myth”)
It’s very important to get honest answers to the questions you ask, but please be sure to ask yourself, “Do I really want to know the answer” before you ask it. Getting honest answers to your questions is the number one key to rebuilding the marriage.
You also must remember to be calm and respectful when they DO answer you honestly even though what you are hearing is painful and hurts you deeply or makes you very angry. If you are constantly biting their head off whenever they answer your questions about the affair, they are going to be less likely to be forth coming with any more details. No matter how justified you feel in breaking out in a raging tyrant, DON’T DO IT!
I know this first hand as it’s what I always seemed to when my husband would answer my questions. One time I made a HUGE scene in a restaurant, it was horrible. It took us over 4 years to finally say that we are healed from his affair. It wouldn’t have taken so long if I would have reacted differently.
Many Wayward Spouse’s just do not understand the extreme importance of your need to know. They don’t understand that if they do NOT start answering your questions honestly that they are making it impossible for you and the marriage to heal. If these questions are left unanswered there will NEVER be real intimacy in your marriage.
As for how to get them to talk, well, you can’t make someone talk but you can put up boundaries for what you are and aren’t willing to live with. Like Dr. Phil always says, “We teach people how to treat us.” This is so true! If your spouse is refusing to give you any answers and tells you that you just have to get over it on your own then you have some choices to make. I can’t tell you what those choices are, they are up to you. I have seen those have left their spouse and refused to have ANY contact with them UNTIL they have thoroughly discussed the affair honestly and at great length. This might be to the extreme but you have to stand by your boundaries and let your spouse know that unless the affair is talked about at length, the marriage will never heal.
Please read “Joseph’s Letter” as it explains our need to know so well.