My husband and I are the exact opposite of this. I don’t say much at all, to anyone and he loves to talk to everyone. Since the affair, I have learned that my not talking had a lot to do with the shape my marriage was in at the time of the affair.

We have learned how to give each other space and respect when we talk to each other and let me tell you this has helped us both so much.

“My husband had an affair with a woman he works with. He has decided to stay with me and the children but he sees her every day at work and has to call her and email her about work related things. How do I get him to see that this MUST stop if we are ever going to move forward? I am in so much pain, please help!”

I’m going to tell you that your marriage can’t even start to heal while your husband is in contact with the other woman. I will say that getting him to cut all ties with the other woman can be very difficult. You must do this at the right time and in the right way. First, you need to get as much perspective as possible and then give your husband an ultimatum in the form of a letter.

“My husband has gone into complete no contact with the other woman. But, he has stopped all counseling and he claims that we can work this out ourselves. He also says that he will stay in the marriage because it’s the right thing to do. Yet, nothing has really changed in our marriage except me knowing about the affair. It seems like he cut all ties with her and life goes on as normal. Is he really sincere about wanting our marriage?”

For 2 years I have been searching for the answer to this question: How do I get rid of my hurt? I didn’t want to hear the answers time or antidepressants. Today, I think I finally get it.

How to get rid of my pain, or really anyone’s pain is to have the offender really listen to my hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive but to really hear and feel my hurt. I needed him to bring up the affair, and let me know it was on his mind too, so that I knew I wasn’t alone in my pain. The more he pays attention to my pain, the less I am likely to pay attention to it.

I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with a woman he works with for the past 2 years. I found out because she called me. He says the affair is over, but I just can’t get over it because he still works with her. How do I get over this and trust him again? I’m in so much pain and I don’t know what to do, please help.

I have found that when the 3rd party calls the betrayed spouse and tells them about the affair it’s in hopes that they will kick the spouse out and divorce them or it’s a revenge tactic because the spouse has ended the affair.

How can my husband possibly love me while having an affair? I mean really, he made the conscious choice to have sex with someone else knowing full well the pain it would cause. How can he actually claim to love me and still be able to knowingly have an affair?

I felt exactly this way for many years and I hear this question a lot with those I work with. How can someone say they love you and STILL be able to betray you in such a devastating way? I kept asking my husband, “How can you say you love me when you did this?” He didn’t have an answer and I was in immense pain.

It’s been almost a year since I found out about my husband’s affair and I am still so angry. I went from really wanting to work things out to now just wanting to walk away. How come I am still angry after all this time?

It is very common that after a period of time that the angry comes. You find that now that the pain has diminished somewhat that you are seeing the unfairness of it all and your feelings are shifting over to anger. Your pain was saying, “How could you?” and your anger is saying, “How dare you!”

I have been struggling to get over my husbands year long affair. My husband and I both want to put it behind us, but I am still very hurt and angry about the whole thing. It was like pulling teeth to get any details out of him, and when I did I felt they weren’t really the whole truth. It’s been six months now and my husband says I should “Get over it already.” I still think about the affair everyday and I wish so badly that my husband would just talk to me about it. How can I get him to talk?

I hear this question all the time! It’s very sad, but the ones that have had the affair very often try to avoid dealing with the huge impact their affair has had on their spouse and their family. There is no way to guarantee that you spouse will finally talk.

Your spouse will try anything to get you to stop asking questions but it’s VERY important that you NOT give up and just accept it. This is exactly why they are stonewalling you and refusing to discuss the affair with you. They will also roll their eyes at you or react in anger to try and shut you down. They act like you are punishing them by asking questions. They do all this in hopes that you will eventually give up. Don’t fall for this!

There are natural consequences to having an affair and by doing everything they can to NOT talk about it they are trying to get out of dealing with these consequences.

You shouldn’t nag or bring up the affair all the time but you need to make it clear that the issue will NEVER go away until it’s been dealt with. Unless it’s talked about it will be buried alive because this can never stay buried, it will just keep coming back over and over even 20 years later!

Have you ever brought up the affair during a period of calm in your relationship and have your spouse say things like, “I thought you were doing so well” as if they can’t believe you’re not “over it” already. It’s important to bring it up even during the relatively good times so that you can make it clear that it’s only a TEMPORARY lull in the relationship and that it will NEVER go away without thoroughly talking about it.

Here’s an excerpt about this the book, “The Monogamy Myth”

“When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn’t they be told what they want to know. They feel they’re being treated like a child, and they resent it.

“I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, “enough is enough, let’s get on with our lives.” Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind.”

(end of excerpt from “The Monogamy Myth”)

It’s very important to get honest answers to the questions you ask, but please be sure to ask yourself, “Do I really want to know the answer” before you ask it. Getting honest answers to your questions is the number one key to rebuilding the marriage.

You also must remember to be calm and respectful when they DO answer you honestly even though what you are hearing is painful and hurts you deeply or makes you very angry. If you are constantly biting their head off whenever they answer your questions about the affair, they are going to be less likely to be forth coming with any more details. No matter how justified you feel in breaking out in a raging tyrant, DON’T DO IT!

I know this first hand as it’s what I always seemed to when my husband would answer my questions. One time I made a HUGE scene in a restaurant, it was horrible. It took us over 4 years to finally say that we are healed from his affair. It wouldn’t have taken so long if I would have reacted differently.

Many Wayward Spouse’s just do not understand the extreme importance of your need to know. They don’t understand that if they do NOT start answering your questions honestly that they are making it impossible for you and the marriage to heal. If these questions are left unanswered there will NEVER be real intimacy in your marriage.

As for how to get them to talk, well, you can’t make someone talk but you can put up boundaries for what you are and aren’t willing to live with. Like Dr. Phil always says, “We teach people how to treat us.” This is so true! If your spouse is refusing to give you any answers and tells you that you just have to get over it on your own then you have some choices to make. I can’t tell you what those choices are, they are up to you. I have seen those have left their spouse and refused to have ANY contact with them UNTIL they have thoroughly discussed the affair honestly and at great length. This might be to the extreme but you have to stand by your boundaries and let your spouse know that unless the affair is talked about at length, the marriage will never heal.

Please read “Joseph’s Letter” as it explains our need to know so well.